Heartbreak In The One - Six
by RollinsFrostFan
Summary: Case that was driving them crazy. Police officers had been taking their own lives. One woman had said she was raped and it lead to the officers taking their lives. Kat lost someone close to her, the officer that had trained her had committed suicide. Then there was Tucker. Revealing a brain cancer diagnosis to Liv and not having much time.
1. untitled

**Just a fic on the episode last week. Tucker was a big loss to Liv, and I thought Amanda would be a pretty good source of comfort. So of course I wrote a little fic about it. Hope you like it. Reviews are welcome**

**Prologue... Couple nights prior**

_**"Remind me why we are all here?"**_

Fin looked over at Amanda, just as Sonny walked over "Oh she got you here too Fin?" Sonny looked at Amanda and shook his head. Amanda rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "We are here for Liv." Just as the blonde said that their captain walked over. Now mind you it was still new that Liv was captain but they were all proud of her. Especially Fin since they had both started out as detectives. The brunette that ran their squad hugged each of them and thanked them for coming. They pointed to Amanda saying she was the ring leader. Amanda rolled her eyes yet again at them. Olivia looked over, her friend and ex had decided to retire. What caught her eye was the red head at his arm. Amanda looked at her. "That would be his wife. He got married like a month ago from what I was told by the bartender." Olivia was surprised. "Well he deserves to be happy."

Was all good until former cop Rachel Wilson made an appearance. She had made her way to the event, after all what better way to say good bye so she thought than confront the man and then make her exit from everything. Rachel had finally made her way into the bar and confronted the men. Not saying anything except noting how Gary was still riding high in the saddle. Things were icy and Liv had mentioned that she and Rachel had gone to the academy together. When asked how Rachel had been, she replies not as good as Benson, adding that Benson had a little boy and was made captain of the squad. It got even more hostile when Rachel walked away only to snag a drink, come back over and throw it in Tuckers face. Tucker's new wife tried to console him and Liv asked what that was about. Tucker told her he had no idea and that he could barely place her. Meanwhile, whilst they are trying to figure out what just happened Rachel was back in her car making a final video and then they heard a loud bang. Rushing outside they see that it was Rachel Wilson with a self inflicted gunshot wound in her heart. Upon arrival to the hospital Benson tells her squad that Rachel didnt make it. Rollins says "Rest in peace". Benson sighs and comments that they had been saying that to much lately.

Only to go on that that was just the start of the epidemic. Suicides were on the rise with this one topping the cake. A few more officers had gone and taken their lives including one that Kat was close to. It hit her hard. It is hard when someone you're close to does that and this guy had helped her become the detective she was. They were back at the precinct, Olivia was reminicing about her meet up with Ed and how she learned he had brain cancer. He had told her he was given six months to a year. Her mind kept going to paris and his words "we will always have Paris." Oh that ripped Liv up. She did love the man and part of her still did. While Liv was in her office, Amanda was talking to Fin and all the sudden she got a text. She looked at Fin, "Oh my god." Amanda didnt want to break this to Liv. It hurt her just thinking about it. Unbeknownst to Amanda Liv had found out. His wife had called her. Fin had been walking by Liv's office and stopped in. Liv told him that Tucker took his life with his old .38 and that she really didnt know what to do with that. He told her he was sorry. She nodded and told him she needed to be alone for a bit.

**Couple Hours Later...**

_Olivia had been driving around aimlessly for a while. Trying to wrap her head around the news she had gotten earlier. Ed Tucker had taken his own life. His wife had called her and told her. It broke her heart. They had literally just talked about Paris the other day. For some reason she didnt want to go home, she also had memories of her and Ed in her apartment and that hurt. Since driving around she ended up on Amanda's street. She didnt know what lead her there, as she and Amanda had a tulmutuous relationship but lately had been really getting along and something told her that she needed the blonde. She needed the comfort from another woman she trusted and though she could have gotten it from Kat no problem, she had grown close to Amanda and that's who she wanted for some reason right now. She parked her car. Wiped the tears that were stinging her eyes. She prepped herself to go knock on Amanda's door._

**Amanda's apartment...**

Amanda had been relaxing in her apartment. A big part of her worried about her captain, her friend but she didnt know exactly what to do for her. For gods sake the woman lost the brother that was her only blood family not that long ago. Now this. She was really worried for Olivia, but didnt want to push herself on her if that made any sense. She was sipping on a beer when she heard her buzzer go off. Frannie barked. Amanda quickly shooshing her as she didnt want her neighbor bitching. She hadnt planned on any company so she was just sitting in a pair of sweats and an old atlanta pd shirt. T-shirt it was comfy and worn in. She looked out her peep hole and when she saw it was Liv she opened the door quickly. Her voice soft as she spoke.

"_Liv_." Amanda stepped back and waved her hand telling Liv to come on in. Liv nodded and walked in, watching Amanda close and lock the door. Liv spoke again and her voice was still soft and even a bit raspy.

"_I didn't want to go home. I couldn't go there..._."

Tears came down faster than she was prepared for. Amanda at a loss did the one thing that was natural, she put her arms around Liv engulfing her in a hug. Olivia didnt pull back. She accepted the hug and even held onto Amanda. Amanda cherished it, she was the one Olivia came to and wanted to be comforted by. Amanda softly spoke. "_Honey whether it be day or night, you are always welcome here. And I will always be here for you._" Amanda sensing that Liv needed to sit down, keeping her arms around her middle she guided them over to the couch. Before she sat them down she slipped Liv's jacket off. The brunette was clearly beside herself and not knowing what she needed. Amanda's voice soft "_Honey do you want anything to eat or drink?_" Olivia shook her stare off "_I... I... I um could just... How bout a tea? That is if you have any. I would say all the liquor you have but you dont need or deserve to deal with a drunk me._" Amanda nodded, she got up to make the tea, "_I'll even have some as well so you don't feel out of place._" She made them both some tea and went to rejoin Olivia on the couch, Olivia had made herself at home finally, she had kicked off her shoes and gotten comfortable on the couch. She looked at Amanda when she sat down. "_Don't worry I'll get out of your hair soon._" Amanda glanced over after taking a sip of her tea, "_Don't even think about it Olivia. You're staying here no questions asked. You can take my bed and I'll take the couch. Though you may have a giant furball with you._"

Olivia had stayed quiet for a while. She just sat and looked at her hands and at times she looked at Amanda. Amanda sat and was quiet just waiting for Liv to do what she needed. As the news came on Olivia looked at Amanda one last time "_Why did Ed have to do this? Why? So many unanswered questions_." She started to cry once more. Amanda once again pulled the upset brunette into her arms. Doing her best to comfort her. Again inbetween tears Olivia spoke, her voice raspy this time "_Even though we didnt stay together and he got married, Amanda I still cared about him. For fucks sake a part of me still loves him and always will. Now he's gone. He's gone. Wanna know the eerie thing he said to me the other day? Yes I met up with him at the park he and I walked around. He literally said_ '**_we will always have Paris._**'" Amanda looked at her dear friend all torn up over her departed friend. They had remained somewhat friends. Though Amanda didnt care for Tucker one bit she did care about her friends feelings. Amanda looked at Liv, "Honey I'm so sorry. Please tell me what I can do for you. Tell me what you need."

Amanda sat back and let Liv do what she needed. First thing Liv did was cuddle up to Amanda. Again her voice was very soft when she spoke. "Can you hold me? Please?" Amanda looked at her, slipping her arms around her waist. "Sure sweetheart I can do that." Amanda sat there holding Olivia gently rocking her. When she felt the breathing even out she thought Liv had fallen asleep in her arms. She looked down and she sure got a surprise. Olivia had reached up and kissed Amanda. The kiss didnt last long cause Olivia spooked herself "Oh shit, oh fuck... I'm so..." Amanda knew she needed the connection and that was why she did it. She shooshed Olivia by kissing her back. After the second kiss broke, Olivia nuzzled back into the spot she was in. Amanda had stayed right there on the couch and let Liv once again get comfortable.

_Both of them in their own heads about the two kisses. Amanda was in a bit of shock that Liv had kissed her. She knew that it was just cause of the connection she needed, still felt good none the less. Olivia thinking the same, how could she do that to Amanda and how the connection was what she desperately needed. She needed something to ground her and Amanda being there, opening up her apartment to her and holding her was doing that. She just hoped she didnt step over the line._

_Amanda had relaxed, loving the fact Olivia had relaxed in her arms. She held her tight, letting her get what she needed. She didnt know if it would go further than the kisses or not. Right now it was all about making sure Olivia had the support she needed and was where she felt safest, and that was in the blondes arms. Olivia lay in Amanda's arms, feeling completely safe and thankful for the blonde not turning her away. _


	2. Tensions

_Olivia wasn't sure of what time she had fallen asleep. All she knew was the blonde that still had her in her arms, and she was there laying on her chest made her feel safe. The brunette had definitly had a hard night. She came over to Amanda's practically in tears over the death of her ex, a man she cared alot about. The blonde didnt shun her or say she was busy, no the blonde opened her door and her arms. Those kisses though. There were only a couple, but what would Amanda really think when she woke up, would she regret them?_

Olivia woke up a bit before Amanda. She had moved to the other chair that Amanda had. She just watched the blonde sleep. She was peaceful and very pretty. Though she knew if Rollins knew she was watching her she'd be pissed off like no tomorrow. The rise and fall of Amanda's chest eased her.

Amanda woke up about an hour later, she looked over to see Liv staring out the window. Yawning and stretching she spoke. "Hey Liv, how did you sleep?" Olivia looked at her, how could she be so understanding when she made the first move last night and kissed her. _"I um.. I slept okay. Thanks for holding me Amanda. I should get ready and home to get ready for work._" Amanda looked at her, Liv was closing herself off, almost beating herself up for being so vulnerable and clingy last night. "Aint gonna lie, it felt good to have someone in my arms other than a furry dog." Frannie looked at her and just snorted as her way of saying "well then" made both Amanda and Olivia laugh. Olivia then looked over at Amanda once more. "_Well I should get going. Again I thank you for last night. It was much appreciated._" Amanda looked at Olivia. "Honestly it wasnt a problem. I'm glad I could help you out. If you ever need it again you know my address."

Olivia nodded and said goodbye. Frannie gave a long whine. Amanda sighed. "_Well my Frannie girl, that just didnt help my feelings. Cant believe we kissed._" Olivia drove home to change clothes. Jesus why the hell did she kiss Amanda. Amanda was just being a nice person and being there and she kissed her. Not that she needed that to get around. When she finally got to the office she was in a shitty mood. She looked around and saw that Amanda wasnt there yet so she snapped at Fin "_Where is your partner? Does she not have any concept of time?_" Fin looked at Liv and shrugged, he wasnt opening his mouth to his captain as she was in a shitty mood and he didnt want his ass handed to him. "As soon as she gets here tell her to get the damn DD5's done." He looked at Olivia wanting to know what put her in a bitchy mood, yeah they lost Tucker but why was she on a warpath for Rollins.

Amanda showed up like ten minutes later. Friggen traffic on the way to work from her apartment was hell. When she got into the bullpen Fin was just about to warn her about Liv when Liv stepped out of her office

**"ROLLINS MY OFFICE NOW!"**

She looked at Fin and he shrugged, he had no clue what was up with Liv just that she was incredibly bitchy. Amanda rolled and cracked her neck, trying to brace herself for whatever Olivia was pissed off about. She walked into Liv's office. "Yes Captain?"

_**"You're a professional for christs sake. What you can do is show up on time. You're a detective dammit a senior one at that. Be responsible."**_

Amanda looked at her, starting to get pissed off cause she didnt know where this was coming from. She stood over by the couch.

_**"Where the hell do you get off Liv? Huh? Saying that shit to me. For your information I needed to take a quick shower after you left so I looked like a detective when I came to work and I had to feed Frannie, wasnt gonna let my dog starve all day. What the hell is your problem with me?"**_ she wasnt getting anything but dirty looks from her captain so she spoke once more.

**_"Look you're the one who came to my apartment last night. Deny it all you want, but you came to my apartment. I welcomed you into my home. I treated you with common decency and respect which is certainly not how you're treating me right now." _** then her tone got dangerously low, **_"Oh and FYI OLIVIA... you kissed me first." _** she walked to the door, walking out into the bullpen and slammed the door as hard as she could as she walked away. She stopped at her desk, not saying a word to anyone grabbed her things and headed to the elevator. Kat looked at Fin, Fin shrugged and said he was going after Rollins. Just after Fin got in the elevator Liv came out of her office. "Where are Rollins and Fin?" Kat looked at Liv, "Captain all I saw was Rollins leave and Fin said he was going after her." Olivia rolled her eyes. Thinking, trying to figure out what went off when they had gotten along so well and Amanda was there for her the other night in her time of need. She began thinking '_was I too hard on her? Why was it now so hostile between them_?' She went back into her office and told Kat when Fin got back to have him go to her office.

Fin showed up later. He had found Amanda at the coffee house they usually met at. He talked to her for a bit. She of course told him what had happened the other night as she couldnt keep anything from him. She didnt betray Liv's trust by telling him what she told her. She just said she had come over needing a friend. She told him about the kisses. He held no judgement and even said it just might have been what Liv needed at the time. After they talked for a bit, Amanda said she was going home. She couldnt deal with being at the office and she would just put in a sick day. He told her to call him if she needed anything or if any of her demons started talking. She agreed and took off after Fin told her to go that he had the bill. What he didnt understand was the fact of Olivia being so nasty towards Amanda. It was almost like back when Amanda first joined Manhattan SVU. Kat told him that Olivia wanted to see him. He went to her office.

"You wanted to see me Liv?" She looked up at him, taking her glasses off and placing them on her desk. "Yes please come in and close the door." He looked at her as he shut the door, came over to the desk and took a seat. Not even giving his boss a chance to start he went for it _"what the hell went off with you and Amanda this morning? There was alot of noise in here Liv and dont say nothing cause these walls are paper thin. I've already talked to Amanda and heard her side. Now I wanna hear yours. Before you say something, I am very much able to listen to both of you objectively."_ Olivia sighed before answering._ "Yeah I needed a friend the other night so I drove aimlessly for a while and I ended up on her street. Yes she let me in without a second thought. She listened to me. She consoled me. Which I needed, and then for some stupid ass reason I kissed her. Dont ask Fin cause I dont know why it happened. She kissed me back and it ended there. She just held me for the night. I was hostile to her this morning and thats where the fight started."_ She looked at Fin, she knew she had fucked up but she didnt even know how to fix this or where to even start to attempt to. He looked at her, "Well for starters, you cant be hostile toward her Liv. Come on you guys moved past that. You just really made her feel like complete shit. Not right Liv, not right." Olivia looked at Fin, he was right.

_"You're right Fin. Now I just have to figure out to make amends with her. She's never just slammed my door and stormed completely off." _ He looked at her. "She's hurt Liv, she really tried to just be there for you and it bit her in the ass. You have to do something." He got up and left her alone after that. Went back out to his desk, texting to check on Rollins but she wouldnt answer him. She just wanted to be left alone. She was home with Frannie and watching tv, trying calm down but also trying to piece together what in the hell went wrong. All she had done was open her door when Liv knocked and was a friend. She let the tears fall, she got tired of fighting them and it was only Frannie there so noone would see. Why did Liv have to do that to her. She soon dozed off from crying, Frannie right there keeping an eye on her mama. Bout an hour later there was a knock on her door. She wasnt expecting anyone and was really hoping that it wasnt going to be Olivia on the other side, she didnt want to deal with her not after this afternoon.

She gets to her door, looking out the peephole and whos on the other side. Just the one damn person she did not want to see. The woman had some definite brass balls to show up to her apartment. She yanked open that door and spat **_"What the hell do you want? Oh excuse me if I don't let you in, but I'm pretty damn sure you understand that, if not too fucking bad. This is my home, I'm not gonna let you disrespect me in my own place." _** Olivia looked at the blonde, oh the woman was a spitfire. Amanda stayed put at her door, arms crossed and seriously unhappy. Her tone curt once again as she spoke. **_"Look Olivia, I'm not in the mood for this. Why are you here? You said enough earlier." _** Olivia looked at her, _"Amanda I dont know what to say to make it right. I honestly dont know what came over me today. I took it out on you and I'm sorry. That's why I came over here and I even brought food, it was my way to apologize. I'll leave if you really want me to."_

****Letting Her Explain****

Amanda shifted at the door, debating if she should let Olivia in. If need be she could just ask the brunette to leave. It was her apartment after all. She opened the door more, waved her hand for Liv to come in **_"You can come in, but you make me feel uncomfortable at all and you can get the hell out."_** Olivia came in, she had really hurt the blond woman. _"Amanda I brought over some chinese, I was hoping to talk things out."_ She said as she set the food on the table. Amanda grabbed some silverware and set it on the table. _"Olivia I only have beer, water or coke in the fridge. What would you like?"_ Olivia asked what Amanda was having and she replied she was having a beer, Liv told her she would have the same. Amanda took out two beers, popped the tops and put them on the table. Sitting down after she did that.

_ "So what's with the dinner Olivia? I mean fuck I wouldnt want you to go back to work tomorrow and do the same shit to me. I mean shit Liv, I opened up my apartment to you the other night. I was there for you. I held you when you cried, I held you to sleep. I didnt fucking turn you away or chastise you for the kiss either. Remember that Olivia Benson, you KISSED me. I returned it but you opened that door."_

Olivia stayed quiet for a few, eating her food, needing to gain her thoughts and sipped her beer. Then she got up, she saw Amanda's eyes follow her, her nerves kicking in as she began to pace.

_**"Look Amanda, I am sorry. I'm sorry for what happened. It wasn't my intention to make you feel like shit. It really wasn't. I've been fighting demons losing two people in my life lately and they werent too far apart from each other gave me a kick in the ass. You were the one I felt safest coming to I didnt want to burden you or imposition you. I also have been fighting my attraction to you, that's probably where the kiss came from. It's not easy hiding feelings when you want to find out if they are reciprocated, but at the same time you're afraid of the rejection. I honestly didnt mean to lash out at you nor should I have bitched at you. I was scared and that was my defense mechanism taking over. All I can do is apologize and hope that you know I truly mean it and that you accept it, even if you dont accept it right away, I hope you can eventually." **_

Olivia picked up her beer and drank it. Amanda took a deep breath, taking in all of what Olivia had just said to her. She hadnt been expecting that at all. She had no idea on how to respond. She didnt even think Olivia had feelings like that towards her. Shit she had them but she never let on. To hear Olivia had the feeings blew her away.

Amanda didnt know what to say. Olivia confessing feelings to her just now really shocked the shit out of her.

_"Liv, I honestly dont know what to say. But I'll just say what I'm feeling. When you called me into your office today and called my professonalism into play that hurt. That hurt like hell. Liv I've been busting my ass working and keeping my sobriety when days get hard. I still go to meetings when it gets really rough. All I could think of, 'was why is she doing this to me? I was there for her last night, she cried in my arms and I held her and she did this?' Yeah we kissed Liv. You kissed me first, but when I reciprocated it was cause I have feelings there. I have had them for a while. I mean I get that it was you were scared and your defense mechanism was taking over, but with that dont you think I was scared? Liv you're my boss. You're my friend, we took a big step and that can either turn into something, be a one-time deal, or ultimately ruin a friendship. I dont want it to ruin our friendship we've come too far. As for it being a one-time deal, I dont want that either. My heart wouldnt be able to take that. I'll say this, what happened the other night, there was a spark. I cant and wont deny it. You just admitted to having feelings for me. So what do we do? Do we have something or not. I'm pretty much in for everything or nothing. There's no grey area. Either we are or we arent. If it turns out to be nothing, then I can't do the after work hangouts and sleep overs. I just cant, it's nothing against you it's just if it's friendzoned than thats where it stays."_

Olivia took in all that Amanda had said, not realizing how much she had really hurt her. _ "Okay here's the thing Amanda, I dont want to be friends, before you lose your shit listen to what I'm, about to say. I need more with you, I dont know what it is but I'm drawn to you and I think that's part of the reason why I acted like I did. It's not an excuse cause there is no excuse for my behavior. I need more with you, but I dont want to ruin things by moving at a fast pace. Last night when you not only held me but you reciprocated that kiss I didnt know how to react. Then this morning when you were still cuddling with me I just... I just didnt know what to say or do, noone has done that for me without wanting something in return."_

__Amanda could finally see Olivia's true feelings coming out. Like there was nothing there to protect them. She was curious as to what exactly meant by '_she needed more with her_'. Amanda sighed taking a couple sips of her beer, she for some reason now needed the liquid courage. "_You mentioned you need more with me? What do you mean by that? You just what Liv. You need to talk to me. You needed a friend, if I wanted or expected something in return what kind of friend would I be? I definitly wouldnt be a very good one. But I dont know exactly what you are wanting from me. Are you wanting more than friends like a full on relationship or friend with benefits? I'm just curious as to what all you are saying to me."_

Olivia thought for a moment. Now that the words that she had said resonated with her. She had confessed feelings to Amanda and Amanda wasnt chastising her or condeming her for the feelings. She half expected Amanda to just look at her and be like 'are you fucking crazy, I could never have feelings like that for you.' But she didnt. Amanda really wasnt there looking at her like she was crazy or any of that. No she was there listening. _"Amanda my feelings for you definitly arent faint. They are more than friends, I just dont know how deep. I do know it's not the friends with benefits. I cant bring myself to do that. My feelings are stronger than that. When I kissed you and you kissed me back it felt, I cant describe it. I would like to test the waters with you. See if we could be something."_ Olivia's omission once again left Amanda stunned. She had feelings for the brunette or that second kiss wouldnt have happened.

Since dinner had been finished and cleaned up, Amanda was still quiet as she really was at a loss for words. How did one reply to what Olivia was saying. Especially after earlier at the office. Olivia though wasnt getting that, she was getting that she really overstepped and had done what she hadnt wanted to, and that was make Amanda uncomfortable.

Unable to take the silence anymore Liv spoke_** "Look Amanda, I'm just going to go. Today and tonight has been a mess. I've inserted foot in mouth more than once. I'm sorry for any inconvience I've caused you. You can have tomorrow off if you like and I wont bitch. I'll see myself out."**_

What do you think? You think Olivia will end up leaving? Or will Amanda stop her? As always reviews are lovely as long as they are constructive.


	3. Feelings & Confessions

Amanda watched her gather her coat, keys and head to the door. "_**Liv wait...**_" She hoped Liv would turn around and thankfully after a moment she did. "_**Dont go. I want to talk. I'm just finding my words so I say the right thing.**_" Amanda finally gathered her thoughts. She talked about her feelings. About how yeah she comes across as a hard ass but that she is sensitive and does get hurt. She goes into how it pretty much felt like how her co-workers in Atlanta treated her before she left after what happened with Patton and Reynolds. "**_Liv that cant happen again, I cant deal with that and it's not fair. I totally get you were confused as to why it happened and even guarding yourself from me but... I wanna lay my complete feelings out for you but now I'm scared. I'm very scared._**" Olivia hadnt wanted to hurt her or make her feel like that. She only knew about the rape in Atlanta and never pushed. She watched the blonde try to muster the courage to talk again. She got up and grabbed another bottle of beer. As she did she took a deep breath.

**_"Olivia, I haven't had feelings like this in a long time. When I kissed you back that was me showing you my feelings. I have a hard time with words. So I show my feelings. I do have feelings for you that run deep. Ones that I want to explore, but on that same note, as bad as I want to explore them is how afraid I am too." _**

Amanda once again stopped talking and Olivia looked at her. Olivia realized that not only did Amanda understand her, but she had experienced the same pain she had been through. Olivia could see that Amanda was having a hard time talking and revealing things about herself and questions that she had, so Olivia started easily.

_"See men have never understood me. Well they've understood somewhat to get what they want. It has been all about them, and what they wanted, it was never about me unless they got what they wanted. I've been hurt by so many men, more than I want to or care to remember. Now women, they seem to be more understanding and even sympathetic. I was involved with one woman. Everyone had their suspicions but it was never confirmed nor denied. That was between us. But the caring and understanding I got from her, to be perfectly honest I've never known a man to give and that includes Ed. And then you. You the other night. You showed me that same understanding and it felt good, and it scared me cause I didnt want to need that, I didnt want to rely on someone else againt to get me through. But with your patience and the way you held me. I had already had feelings for you and that made them stronger which lead to me kissing you, and now curious as to what is really between us."_

Amanda took in what Olivia had just said to her. Was Olivia really confessing these strong feelings for her? Amanda sits and thinks back to all the times Liv had helped her. She was hard on her but she helped her. More or less looked out for her even when the blonde didnt want it. She stood by her through the gambling and alcohol when she could have really hung her ass out to dry. Even when she screwed up especially with Hurricane Kim Liv made it a teaching and learning moment. The others had been written up or worse, Liv just talked to her... like partner to partner. Maybe this is why Liv's confession was so surreal to her, because there was an understanding between them.

_"Ever since the whole incident where I was labeled 'easy ass Amanda' I havent had the best how we say track record with men. Just like with you, it's always been what's in it for them, what can they get out of me. It's kinda like they are all Kim and or my so called family in so many ways. Olivia I come from a fucked up way of life. Real fucked up. My whole childhood and teenage years were completely fucked. I dont even know if you want to hear how fucked up it truly was. Maybe you should go."_

Olivia looked at Amanda, the blonde seeming to shut down as they were talking. She had a feeling she was getting close to what really scared Amanda. She didn't want to leave. But Amanda was putting up that guard up and Liv had to do something to prove that she not only wasnt going to leave but didnt want to leave either. Liv took a seat on the couch_._

_"Whenever you feel like talking, starting wherever you want and wherever you are comfortable... I'll be sitting right here, as I am not leaving Amanda. I think you have suffered enough abandonment. I get that you're scared because you've been open in the past and people have fucked you over. I get that, I really do. I get you had a rough start in life and it carried on and brought you some of the worst pain you have ever experienced. But you forget... I had it bad growing up too. While you lived with a gambler and piece of shit mother, I lived with an alcoholic mother who hated me cause I was the product of her rape. I understand a bit of what it's like having a bad life and having your guard up, especially when it comes to your feelings and letting people see the real ones." _

Liv went quiet, hoping to have Amanda understand that she wasnt going anywhere, that she had no plans or intentions to do so. Since Liv had sat on the opposite end of the couch she scooted a bit closer to the blond. She took her hand in her own, gently thumbing it.

_"Like I said, I wont push you to talk... but I am here and I have no intentions of leaving whatsoever. If I have to keep proving it to you I will. I have no issue with that. I know you have hurt buried down inside of you and it wants to come up and be heard. Honey I'm here for that. I fucked up with you before. I wont do that again I can promise you that. I want and need to hear whatever it is that you need to get out. If it's more on your growing up than it's that. If its more of what happened with Patton and Reynolds than it's that. My point is regardless of what is on your mind. I want to hear it, if you'll open up and let me."_

This time it was the blonde who leaned over and kissed Olivia deeply. She couldnt help it. The words she was speaking, the feelings behind them. Her hands grasping the brunette's arms lightly as they kissed, Liv's hands were on Amanda's arms as well. Soon though, the kiss and spell was broken.

"_Sorry_" Amanda murmured. This was yet another kiss, where they didnt know exactly what was happening between them. "_Dont apologize... you needed it or it wouldnt of happened. You said the same to me the other night, remember... when I kissed you_?" Olivia gave Amanda a warm gentle smile.

Amanda took a deep breath, trying to get her bearings and brace herself to open up more. If Liv cared enough and wanted to listen then she could at least talk a bit. "_My life... is a giant fucking mess. But how I managed to survive every damn thing that has led up to today. I survived my mother's abuse and tirades. My father's physical abuse. The abandonment. The molestation, the sexual assaults. Growing up trying to hide that I favored the touch of both a man and a woman. Parents finding out thanks to Kim and being ridiculed, not to mention going through corrective rape. To get my attention off the ladies. Enter in Patton and Reynolds. That was hell. Pure hell. I still hate hotel rooms cause of them. Then the recent with Bucci. He didnt do anything but still. So you see why I'm damaged and I'm fucked up._"

Olivia looked at her with soft and understanding eyes. She didnt know when she had grasped Amanda's hands again but she had and she was gently thumbing them. Trying to give some much needed reassurance to her friend, the person she had developed feelings for. The very woman who had opened her door to her just a few nights ago and had held her as she cried. Now she wanted to do the same thing for her.

Olivia moved a bit closer to her, still holding the smaller womans hands in her own. Wanting to show some kind of support and understanding. In a lot of ways this blonde beside her was just like her. She didnt want be vulnerable, she didnt want to show she was susceptible to hurt. She just sat there giving the woman beside her time to gather herself in hopes that she would continue to keep opening up. Her patience paid off. Amanda once again started talking.

_"I was the shy one in school. I kept to myself and did my work. One would describe me as a nerd. I prided myself on getting good grades so I could get the hell out of Loganville. My self-esteem wasnt the greatest, I mean I grew up in a troublesome household. Look at my father, he was a gambler. Would be gone days on end and spending money we didnt have. Then you had my mother who didnt give a shit bout me nor Kim, but at the same time wanted to make sure I kept Kim out of trouble. Never caring about me, just as long as I kept her out of their hair and out of trouble. So I went and did my thing. Even getting into college and getting my bachelors in forensic science. Then moving on to work in the Atlanta PD as a detective. Meeting my fate there. Oh when they said ATL was the boys club they werent kidding. I was put in my place from the start. Then of course Kim got herself into more trouble, shit she was and is a walking time bomb. But you know the rest with Patton. Thats what caused my heavy gambling and destructive habits. So given this attraction that we both have for each other, which dont tell me there isnt something there cause we both know that's a load of shit. What are we going to do about it?"_

Olivia couldnt take the blonde there pouring her soul out and almost doubting that she deserved happiness. She did the only thing she could think of.

__Liv leaned in closer to Amanda, softly placing her hand on the blonde's pale cheek and kissed her. It was a gentle but passionate kiss

**So Liv initiated it again. What does this mean for them? Whats gonna happen. What do you wanna see happen? Thanks to a very dear friend who has helped me with this chapter.**


	4. Understanding With Tender Loving Touches

Amanda gasped lightly returning the kiss. Olivia now wanted more. She had a couple tastes of the blonde and she was curious for more. Her mind wondered what other spots on the blonde tasted like and if they were as sweet as her lips. She got more brave, pushing the blonde back onto the sofa, kissing her hotly and letting her hands roam. Up inside Amanda's shirt, feeling the creamy, soft skin. Amanda moaned and arched. Her eyes had darkened and looked at Liv. Olivia bent down and kissed the blonde once more. She couldnt get enough, this hadnt happened before. Usually she was done kissing after the first or second time, but with Amanda here she couldnt stop. She sat back up looking at Amanda, wanting to make sure that this was okay and Amanda wanted it as well.

Amanda more than wanted this. Liv was gentle and wasnt rushing, she was taking her time and reassuring Amanda. Amanda reached up and kissed Liv, she wanted more of the touching, this sensual feeling was putting her in overload. She reached her hands up inside Olivia's shirt, her skin was soft and hot. She felt Liv moan. She let her hands reach and caress, moving up towards Olivia's breasts. She saw the blondes eyes droop. She softly caressed them. Liv had never had anyone be this gentle with their touches. When Amanda moved to take off her shirt, then she saw the side of Liv that was vulnerable. She didnt want Amanda to see the imperfections. Yes it had been a long time since she had endured William Lewis but the residuals still left her feeling insecure.

Amanda let the shirt be, and settled for roaming up inside it with soft and gentle touches. Liv replied to the touches by leaning forward and kissing her, tugging and nipping on her lower lip. After a little more of letting her hands roam softly Liv let her remove the shirt. Just so Liv wouldnt feel uncomfortable she removed her own shirt so while she touched and caressed Liv could do the same. Amanda moved to laying kisses on Liv's tan skin starting at her neck and moving down. She came upon one of the marks and she just kissed it. Olivia got uncomfortable and tried to get Amanda to stop. Now mind you Amanda wasnt hurting her nor chastising her she was just appreciating the beauty before her. Amanda looked at her. Softly speaking with care and concern.

_"Don't try to hide them, these are a part of you, and Olivia I want all of you."_

Olivia was flabbergasted, noone had ever said that to her. The guys didnt care, they just did their thing and left. Well when Brian was living with her he stuck around but he usually grumbled or complained if she wanted a bit extra and to cuddle. Olivia once again looked at Amanda.

_"I have never been told that at all. You are the first person to ever say it. I wasnt exactly chastised but they didnt exactly want to see 'all of me' either. Make sure the lights out so they didnt have to see. Not that I wanted them to see my scars, shit Ive hid them from you."_

Amanda looked at her, pulling her closer to her. Her voice soft and understanding _"Hey, I think you're beautiful Liv, those scars you are hiding, honey those are survival stripes. If you dont want me to look at them then I'll respect you and wont look. But I want you to know that if I see them I'm not gonna run or tell you to turn the lights off."_ Olivia didnt know what to do with that. She just turned her face into Amanda's neck as Amanda held her. _"I'm a buzz kill I know. I've turned you on with all the kissing and touching and now I've cooled it down." _She blushed and felt bad for getting them so hot and bothered.

Amanda still being understanding _"Liv, hey what happens here is what we both want to happen. If one of us is unsure then nothing happens and absolutely no hard feelings."_

Amanda watched her, she knew the brunette wanted some kind of connection but she wasnt sure what kind of connection she wanted and or needed. Olivia appreciated the fact that Amanda wasnt pressuring her. Here they both were no shirts on, just bras and pants. What got Liv really was the fact that Amanda wasnt pushing for more. She was just content on holding. She reached up and kissed Amanda sweetly_. _

_"I appreciate your patience and understanding with me Amanda. It means alot. If you wouldnt mind can we just kiss and cuddle, see where the touching and everything takes us?"_

Who was Amanda to turn down pretty much making out with this hot woman in front of her? She was a bit crazy but not stupid by any means. Olivia had never had this with anyone, and Amanda hadnt either. Neither of them had been with anyone who really respected them. Olivia made the first move again to kiss Amanda, her nervousness starting to fade as she saw that Amanda wasnt shying away or pushing her away. They stayed there kissing and making out with no pressure. It felt good and right. As bad as Amanda wanted to progress in a more quicker pace, she let Liv Liv set the pace as she knew Liv was nervous and questioning things.

Amanda kept up the heated make out. Laying Liv down gently she herself laid on her side. Letting her fingers graze the tan skin, she wanted to remove the barrier and see all of Liv, see everything but she wanted to make sure Liv was comfortable. What she did do was lean down and lay a gentle but sweet kiss on Liv's chest. Then she saw Liv arch up a little bit, giving her the silent okay to remove her bra and to see her. She was trusting that Amanda wouldnt run nor would she make fun and be disgusted. Amanda leaned down to kiss Liv and unsnap her bra. She let the bra release but didnt make a move to pull it down off of Liv's shoulders. She looked at her once more, she wanted to make sure Liv was still comfortable. Olivia nodded and held her arms so Amanda could slide the bra off. Amanda gently and slowly slid the garment off and put it to the side. She gave the brunette time to cover herself which she didnt, but she looked away and closed her eyes almost bracing herself for the comments and noises of disgust. Amanda tastefully looked down at Liv's chest, she didnt gawk or anything just looked. Then she looked into Liv's eyes. Her voice soft "_Olivia, you are beautiful. Absolutely beautiful_." Olivia looked into Amanda's eyes, amazed at the tenderness in Amanda's voice as well as the care, she knew then and there Amanda wouldnt make fun of her. Olivia kissed Amanda's lips softly, as she did that she took the blondes hands in her own and placed them on her breasts, she wanted to see for herself if the touch made Amanda's skin crawl like it had with Brian and with Ed, even though like she had said they had parted on good terms. She knew the touch made their skin crawl as they refused to really do anything with her chest. They just squeezed and that was it. She craved the tender touch, the tender exploration, the acceptance that she was still a woman even though she had the scars.

**So what do you think, should they make love next chapter? or should it be implied? what do you want to see?**


	5. Showing Her What True Love Making Is

Amanda knew they werent going to be too comfortable on her couch so she gently pulled Olivia up and lead them to her bedroom. As soon as they got into her room Amanda closed the door. Hoping to pick up where they left off. Olivia had sat on the bed waiting for Amanda to come back over. Silently hoping that the blonde would want to resume and not run from seeing her like this. Amanda came back over to the bed, she looked at Liv and laid down on her side, hoping like the brunette was silently that Liv wanted to continue what they were doing out in the other room.

Olivia had waited and watched Amanda, she herself made the move. She wanted to see how Amanda truly felt. She looked at Amanda, taking Amanda's hands and placing them back on her breasts. Hoping that this wasnt the wrong move. Amanda let her hands sit there on Liv's breasts for a minute. She then let her hands wander around each breast, touching them with the softest and most gentle touch while at the same time appreciating them. When she got down to the nipples she gave each of them a soft tweak. Liv didnt expect the tweaking and she let out a soft but excited gasp from the brunette.

"_Mm_," Liv purred in a low moan as she pulled Amanda closely as she darted her tongue into Amanda's mouth, swirling her tongue with the blonde's. Olivia moved her mouth down to Amanda's jawline, down to her neck where she softly nipped at Amanda's neck a few times. The blonde moaned softly, letting Liv know she enjoyed what she was doing. Liv softly cupped Amanda's breasts as she gave them a gentle squeeze before lapping her tongue against each nipple softly, taking a nipple into her mouth as she tweaked the other and switching places with each.

The brunette courageously undid her pants, moving Amanda's hands to her waistband, silently telling the blonde to pull them down. "_Are you sure, Liv?_" The blonde whispers softly. "_Yes_," Liv didn't hesitate to respond that time.

Amanda grabbed at Liv's pants and panties, removing them before she took her own clothing off as well, not wanting Olivia to feel alone in being naked either as they both took each other in. Their hearts were racing and fluttering at the same time, both rushing to kiss each other as well.

Amanda settled herself between Olivia's legs as she softly nipped at Olivia's bottom lip. Liv moaned lowly, loving how gentle Amanda's kisses are. The blonde decided then to leave kisses on Liv's scars which the older woman tried shoving her off, but she didn't budge. She just kept moving down with tender kisses as her hand settled between Olivia's legs, her hand touching Liv's heat, feeling the slick folds as both women moaned lowly.

Amanda took a nipple into her mouth as she ran her fingers through slick folds, fingers exploring. She pulled back a little as she looked at Olivia while her fingers moved up and down her slit. The blonde moved up and kissed Liv softly before moving downwards, pulling her hand away and swirling her tongue around outer lips.

Liv arched her back as she moaned softly, her hand caressing Amanda's hair as her hips bucked against Amanda's mouth. The younger woman looked up at Olivia as she darted her tongue inside of Olivia's opening as her thumb swiped against her clit.

Amanda removed her mouth as she looked up at Olivia, bringing her finger to her mouth as she released it with a pop before tracing her finger around folds before plunging a finger inside of Liv slowly as she brought her mouth down to Olivia's clit. Her tongue lightly swiped against the sensitive bundle of nerves as she added a second finger, slowly pumping her fingers continuously as the brunette rocked her hips, matching Amanda's rhythm as Olivia's moans got a bit louder.

It wasn't long before Liv grasped at the bedsheets as she felt her entire body coil with an orgasm. The blonde removed her fingers as she cleaned up the brunette's spillage. Amanda moved upwards onto the bed, lying besides Liv whose chest was heaving from the orgasm.

"_How was that_?" Amanda asked, biting her lip as she was nervous.

"_Uh… that was just terrific. Wow, I never knew you could be so gentle…_" Liv blushed lightly, which also made Amanda blushed.

_"I tried.. I just wanted to show you how I really felt about you and there's no rush on your part to reciprocate in that. I don't mind waiting for you." _

Olivia just looked at Amanda, then lightly cupping Amanda's cheek as she leaned in and kissed her sweetly, tasting herself on Amanda's lips. "_You, Amanda Rollins, are amazing_."

Amanda couldn't help but blush again. "_Oh it's nothing.._" she stammered softly. Liv looked at the blonde, her eyes soft and full of emotion. "_Are you kidding me? With how gentle you were the whole time, making sure I was comfortable the whole time, and asking me repeatedly if something was okay with me… No one had ever been assed to completely make sure I was okay with something, especially during the first time of doing anything with them.."_

Amanda smiled and hugged Liv gently, "_Well Liv, it's easy to be gentle and to make sure you were okay with everything. It's called being a caring partner. Liv, I care about you. Alot and I mean alot, and being able to be with you like this has deepened my feelings. So, I'll ask this and you can take time if you need to, but where does this leave us?_" Amanda looked at her watching for any reaction to tell her that her dear friend wanted the same thing she did.

**So they made love, Amanda wanted to show her that she appreciated her, as well as her body and showed her with gentle touches. Where should they go after this. Should they want to be together? Should they leave it as a night? What do you guys wanna see?**


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